The Elusive ‘Closure’

Dear Dad,

It’s been 2 years since so much was left unsaid, unclear and misunderstood.  As a child, I used to think your death would end the chapter … finish the book.  I thought it would give me closure … perhaps make life easier to live.  Not surprisingly, I was wrong.  After a lifetime of chasing this invisible ‘closure’ I realized that perhaps it was something I would never attain.  Even once you died, closure eluded me.  Then it happened … my epiphany … ‘closure doesn’t really exist’.  It is a state of mind.

I sit here and remain undecided as to whether or not I wish things could have been different.  Of course, for everyone who was affected and/or destroyed by you, I wish that things could have been different, however I guess I’m selfish for saying that for myself, sometimes I don’t.  And I say that because ‘I am who I am and who I chose to become’ because of you.  If not for yor choices, I would never have learned my strength or my will to survive.

strong

 I wish I had just a few more moments to say a few more words as I struggle everyday over the words that weren’t spoken in the end.  I wish I could tell you that after a lifetime of the continual inner struggle between love & hate, love won in the end.  I’m thankful we found some peace in your last few months and I will always appreciate the day we spent together … for what I learned but also for what I did not.

As hard as it is for me to say, your death brought peace to many however I was not one of them.  My hope for you though, after a lifetime of hell … is that perhaps you can rest in peace.

uyvs ~ xoxo 

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